I’m spending some time this morning searching for long-tail keywords, which in human terms means I’m looking for people like me.
I’m looking for you.
When sudden loss erupts into your life, the computer becomes your constant companion, your best friend, the place you go searching for anything that sounds true and right and healing. Back in 2009, my searches didn’t yield much of anything.
Today when I search things like “living in grief,” I come up with quite a number of websites, books, workshops, and teachers. There are more websites now that deal with the reality of grief, acknowledging the truth without trying to pretty it up into something it’s not.
The grief landscape is changing. And it makes me both thankful and sad. Thankful, of course. And sad for me, for that me I was back then. I sometimes feel like I just didn’t look in the right places. I just didn’t try. Maybe my sights were too high, and my needs too – different.
But I know this isn’t true.
What I know is that I found very few resources that spoke to supporting grief. I found loads of resources for fixing grief. I went to the teachers and writers I had known in my life Before, and their words couldn’t reach me. They were speaking of issues and losses that are common in everyday life.
Watching your partner drown on an otherwise beautiful day is not common ordinary life.
All those typical teachings about things falling away so you could become more truly yourself, about how this is what was needed for your best growth – they were all a smack in the face.
Raw grief is an intense time, and so many of the ordinary teachings make it sound like grief is wrong. It gets lumped in there with the so-called “negative” or “dark” emotions like fear and rage.
Most teachings want to you find the “reason” in your grief, the gift that lies inside it if you will only look.
But you know what? Telling someone to “look for the gift” doesn’t help them bear their grief. It tells them they should look somewhere else for support.
Thankfully, true support is becoming easier to find. Not easy, not by a long stretch. But easier.
My hope here with this site, and with my audio program Everything is Not Okay, is to bring better words to the landscape of grief.
To let you know that you don’t need to look for the gift in your grief, you just need to live it. Moment by moment.
I’m glad our grief culture is changing. And I’m so very glad to hear from so many of you for whom my words here resonate. You let me know that I wasn’t ever really the only one who felt this way, or who wanted a more whole, honest way of living with loss.
And please do keep reaching out. If you’re considering working together, click here to schedule a free, 30 minute session. If that’s a step too far ahead (and even if it isn’t!), the audio program is a great way to explore my approach to grief without actually having to talk to anyone. It’s available as an instant download, so you can be listening in just a few minutes. Be sure to click the mp3 button on the toolbox page to get started.
Wishing you a peaceful week, dear ones. Barring that, wishing you as many tiny moments of peace as you can find.
How about you? What’s it like out there, searching around for support in your grief? What are you finding? Let us know in the comments.